day sixteen

I can't believe I forgot about it.

November 11th, 2011 was the day our other baby was supposed to be born.  (If you're new around here, you can read more about that here and here and here.)

I'm not going to go into the details of that here, but what I can tell you is that although I was broken hearted it needed to happen.  I am completely and 100% a different person than I was a whole year ago.

A year ago I didn't look at adoption the same way I look at it today.  I didn't see it as a blessing or as a beautiful piece of God's plan for His children's lives.  I didn't know who I was, a year ago.  I didn't know what I had a passion for or how I wanted to go about dealing with that.

It all didn't make sense, at the time.  It really didn't, and I was confused.  I had no idea what God wanted to do in the hearts of my family, but we've all changed.

I remember on one late November night I sat in my bedroom wondering where I would be in a whole year.  I wondered what would have changed.  I wondered how God was going to use us.  I wondered why all this happened and why I had to keep waiting.  But what I didn't realize was that I would have changed completely from the person I was then.

But, I wouldn't trade a single piece of it for anything.  That baby wasn't the one God wanted for us.  That overwhelms me every time I think of it.  It could have been anyone - anyone at all - but no, it's Trey Malachi.  It's not Titus.  I didn't like the idea of that a year ago, but today, it's the best part of my life.

I think November 11 and the things that happened in the month before that date in 2011 is part of what shaped me as a person today.  Today, I know what I want to do with my life.  I'm not running around insane wondering what the heck to do with my life.  I know where I stand on adoption.  I know what my heart called to do.  I know what I love.  And it's all because of what happened before November 11, 2011.

Overwhelm.  It's the feeling I get when I think of this whole thing.  How in the world did I get Trey as my brother?!  It doesn't make any sense, and I mean that.  All I know is this:

God worked every single thing out.  Every single thing.  I was a big pile of nothing-feelings and numbness a whole year ago tonight, but I wouldn't trade a single piece of that for anything.  I got to walk through the next couple of months in full awe of Trey's bithmother, because of this experience.  This whole thing is something I'll take to my grave.  Every feeling of it.

Thank you, Jesus, for Trey Malachi.  Thank you for turning November 11, 2011 into a horrible day of sadness for my family.  Thank you for everyday we all waited.  Thank you for his birthmother.  Thank you for the way he smiles and the joy he brings.  He could have been anyone... literally anyone... but he's not.  He was chosen just for my family.  And that doesn't make any sense.

I am grateful tonight for Trey and for his story.  Every step of it.  It was all worth it.