As we continue to get closer to Trey's first birthday, a lot has been on my mind.  Little things... just going back to my thought process from just one year ago.

One thing, though... it's been really lurking in my mind.  Really processing it.

One of the the things I've heard when people realize we have an open adoption with T's birthmother is the question of whether or not that's healthy for Trey.  If knowing his biological mother in such a close way is going to affect him later in life.  "Isn't that more painful for him to see the woman who gave him up all the time?"

My answer?

Not at all.  In fact... the complete opposite.

There is an interesting story going around lately.  A birthmother w/ a painful past wishes not to have contact/a relationship with her birth daughter... solely b/c she does not want her painful experiences brought up front in her face once again.  Now she is fighting to have the right for birthmothers to remain anonymous to their birth children... to "protect" other bmoms from having to come face to face with their past once more via contact w/ their birth children.  And I get that.

But.... I have an issue with it.

We have a superclosetightknitlikefamily relationship with Trey's birthmom.  She loves her son, she loves the family she placed her son in, she thinks of us as family.  I hear "I love you"s at the end of voicemails.  She calls once a week.  She sees pictures on Facebook.  She's flying in for his first birthday.  She desperately loves her son and wants him to know that.

There very well may be a day when... lo and behold... she moves on with her life.  Gets married... moves on... lets go of a little bit of contact... we trust God with that.  But the months of spending time with her... the hours of phone calls... the experience... the information... we know about her and her story... those will be such precious gifts to Trey one day.  Even if she herself leaves the picture... he can hold onto those photos and that information... ponder it, process it, accept it.

So the issue I have with remaining anonymous as a birthmother.... what about the child?

And the issue I have with the question "Isn't that going to be more painful for him?"... what about the child?

I think every person... usually around their teenage years... goes through some sort of something where your mind is transforming.  You are figuring out what you are made to do... who you are made to be for God... your DNA... where you come from... it all goes into your thought process.  For me, maybe it's much easier because I know who my family is.  I know my story and I know where I come from.  But to go through that without knowing exactly where you come from... your story... knowing you are different/adopted... but wondering who your parents are?  It's got to affect you.  We need to keep in mind the adoptees' hearts.  And when we ask that question, when we wish to remain anonymous... we forget about the adoptee's heart in all of this.

And I'm not saying everyone going through domestic adoption needs to have an open adoption.  Definitely not.  Every situation is completely different.  That's the beauty in adoption.  Every story is going to turn out different.  There has to be discretion and discernment and we have to really think about it.  It's definitely only for certain situations.  But... I want more people to know that the information we know about the woman who gave life to Trey is precious to us, and, one day when he can understand it, it will be a precious gift to him, too.

On the other side of things, Trey's birthfather... chose not to have a relationship with him.  He had the choice.  In the past I've thought about it this way... He didn't just not show up in his life.  He made a choice.  Things have gone on.  We know some of his story.  But in the end... what a painful thing for my brother to have to process one day.  It's sad... so sad.

And when we think about other situations..... International adoption where files are missing... even domestic adoptions where there is abuse.  Some things need to be protected... some things God may even hide from us.  At the end of the day though?  Trust.  in the Lord.  And good old discernment.  Adoption is never perfect.  But I'm thankful everyday for the relationship God gave us with T's momma.  Such a beautiful thing.

That's the kind of stuff that people don't always see in adoption when they're not right in front of it.  The pain and the hurt of losing parents.  There's grief in that... there's grief on both sides of things.. for the birth mother and the birth child.  And all of us need to educate ourselves on that.

In all situations... international adoption where the adoptee has no idea of their birth parents... domestic adoption where birth parents choose not to have contact... foster care ---> adoption where the birth parents are not safe... domestic adoption w/ a good relationship with the birth parents... we have to trust the Lord with that.  We have to know that we have a God who chose each child in each family... who chose each situation.  Special.  For each circumstance.  Isn't that fabulous?  So in whatever situation adoptees have with their birth parents... God is in control.  <3 emma="" p="">

Post a Comment

s e a r c h

Blog Archive