FINDING MY HERO
For a long time, I really wanted a hero.
Not like, the hero that saves you from your house in flames. But the hero that makes your heart wrench, all the while loving hard all the time.
I always said "Jesus" when people asked. And that's so true for me and always will be. But a few years ago, for some strange reason, I was really infatuated with the whole hero thing. I wanted one. Not to put on a pedestal in my life, that's Jesus, but to honor and respect fully.
It's been a journey for me. Not just in finding a hero. That was just a phase I went through. It's not really about that. For me, it was about finding out how to get closer to God. The desire just came in a form of a hero in my mind.
& for me, that's a birthmother.
These women do Jesus stuff everyday. They put their life on the line for the sake of someone else, all the while loving them wholeheartedly.
This week, all of that became so much more real for me.
Trey's birthmom flew in for his first birthday. It's been such a wonderful week. Really great memories. We've took pictures, loved hard and I'm just so happy about the gift this is to her and will be one day to him. But this week, a raw emotion came to me again. One I haven't felt since exactly one year ago today.
& that is the feeling of gratitude coming to life for me. It just exploded in front of my eyes, in my heart. I'm with this woman, the mother, the flesh and blood of the baby I have loved so hard for the past year? & she chose this for him? She chose to be away from him everyday? God loves me this much? God gave me a piece of literal joy to hold for one year, and the woman God used to give this joy to us is right in front of me? What?
This is all I know to be true...
Exactly one year ago tonight, one woman took a pen and signed on the dotted line.
But this was not just a signature, this was something more.
Something only she could give, a gift only God could create.
This was the relinquishment of her rights.
One year ago, tonight, a woman signed her rights away. She took a pen, she signed her name, and she made a lifelong choice. This was not just a signature. This was a declaration of love. Jesus-stuff love.
This woman is my brother's birthmother.
This "hero" - the desire of my heart so long ago? I've found her. Her, along with every other woman who made the hard choice when she didn't want to. Chose the hard road when the easier one was readily available, if not easier. All I know is, this fickle desire of my heart long ago for something I wasn't even ready to process is now here, in the form of a birthmother.
& it's the most precious hero I could ever find.
