WHEN GOD MAKES YOU FEEL IT AGAIN

This week, my mom took a part-time job.

This is the first time my mom has ever worked.  And when we first heard about it, I knew it was the perfect thing, for all of us.

She works with the adoption agency we used to bring Trey home.  With birthmothers.  Taking them to doctor's appointments, the store, to fun things.  She'll be there to drive them to the hospital when they're in labor.  She'll be there when they sign away their rights.  Trust me, I know, SO perfect, right?

Well, talk about the feelings in all of this.

Yesterday, she delivered profiles to the birthmother she's working with right now.

(Profiles are the books adoptive families put together with pictures and words... basically, an introduction to who you are.  They're presented to birthmothers and they choose their adoptive family from there)

They sat in my house for a few hours before she left with them, and I looked through them.

I saw myself in those photos.

I heard my family's stories in those pages.

I felt their unmistakable yes.

I felt it.  Because I've lived it.

There were at least 20 birthmoms we said yes to in our little journey about a year and a half ago.  At least.  We lost count.  But each time, we got emails, we got phone calls.  You get the feeling it's your potential baby, so you say yes.  When you say yes, your profile goes into the stack with the other 5-20 profiles.  & then you wait.  It could be a few hours, it could be a few days.  But either way, there's this little baby, growing inside their momma.  It's not a number.  It's a human life that matters and has a purpose and is loved.  Each time we got the call "Sorry, she chose someone else" was like a stab to the heart.  No, really, you don't understand until you've been through it.  Months of saying yes, to months of hearing no's.  It's terrible and beautiful at the same time.  But, every day we heard no was another day we said "Think of the family rejoicing right now because God said yes!!"

So today, this beautiful birthmother chose a family.

And I couldn't help but think of two sides.

Tonight a family is going to get a call saying a birthmother chose them to potentially parent her child.  And this weekend is going to be one of the most exciting ones ever.  This weekend they're going to go out and buy clothes and get the funds together and wait.  And they're going to rejoice because God said yes to part 1.

But then there are the other families.  The ones God said no to.  And I see myself in their positions.  Because I know what it's like.  I know how it feels.  But yet tonight they will hear the words I'm sure they've heard too many times before.  "Sorry, she chose someone else."

I know both sides.  I've heard no far too many times, and I heard yes twice.  The first was a long sequence of events that turned into a no.  So we waited again.  And, finally, God said yes again.  And He did this because the story of how we got to Trey Malachi is one of the most special things ever.  So when I say I know both sides, I do.  And I know that God chose this job for my mom for the perfect reason.  And part of that is to live in awe of what happens in adoption every single day.  Maybe it's also because God wants us to feel it again.  Feel all of it.  The good emotions, the bad emotions.  The way life is chosen and the overwhelming understanding of the words, "She didn't choose you."  The way it feels to look at this woman that just gave up her whole life, for you.  The way it feels to hear the words "She signed" because she loved her child that much.  The way it feels to receive a gift.  My mom gets to watch all of this firsthand.  And I get to hear about it.  I've lived it once, but God wants us to feel it again.  God wants us to remember what it feels like.  What Love feels like.  The Jesus-stuff love we get everyday is displayed for me to see tangibly.  Through a birthmother's love.

This part of adoption.  Woah.  What an altogether tragic and beautiful thing.  There are losses all around.  The things this woman is going through.  The way she's choosing what she's choosing.  I am in awe.  Complete awe.

Guys!!!!!!  I am SO in love with adoption.  All sides.  At all times.