BROKENHEARTED

With my mom working with birthmoms, we are now around so much hurt and brokenness and diversity that it is sometimes so surreal... I have so many wakeup calls.

Tonight, there is a woman with her two young children sleeping in the airport so that she doesn't have to sleep in the park.  

Hear me, friends.  A young woman with two young children.  Both still in diapers.  Her home is a park.  What are we doing, friends?  As pro-life... as Christians... who are we and what are we doing for those in need?  Sometimes, it is not always giving money... most of the time... it is Loving.  W/ a capitol L.  

And I am sitting here in my perfect home complaining because we currently have a security guard outside my home... all because we had electrical problems and now have an exposed wire that apparently needs guarding.  I was out of power (out of A/C in 100+ heat) for three hours recently and it drove me insane.  All while a woman with two young children is sleeping in an airport tonight so she won't have to sleep in the park.  

Recently we had another birthmom in our home for the dinners we always do with the adoptive families and her.  She sat on the bar in the kitchen, looking around, saying over and over, "You have such a beautiful house." & "Your house is so big."  In our community, our house is not the biggest.  It has so many imperfections that we want to see this way or that way.  But to have these people come into our lives that are used to living in 1 bedroom apartments with who knows how many people... wow.  

And to hear tonight that someone is sleeping in the park every night absolutely broke my heart.  Not only for her... but for the way in which I live my life. 

It takes huge wake up calls and eye-openings 

from only the Lord to get you to the place where you literally say to yourself... 

oh.  Wow.  I cannot believe I live in this way.  

I cannot believe I complain about everything all the time.

I used to think only Africa could open my eyes and help me to see things with a different view.  Little did I know so much was living right in my own backyard... so much hurt and so much brokenness needs love from me and the light from Jesus.  

And it hits you... like nothing else, sometimes.  What in the entire world?  That God would choose to place me in this spot at this time with these people.  My life becomes a whole lot of me-centered jealousy until I am once again pointed to the Cross.  I do not deserve any of this.  

And as my baby brother sits in the bath tonight... with a full belly and clean clothes... I am reminded once again.  This woman's sweet babies have probably not had a bath in days.  Let alone a place to rest their heads at night.  Absurdity.  I am out of my mind grieved for these people.  

What I have is much, what I need is less.  I am beyond blessed beyond anything imaginable.  Speechless tonight and brokenhearted for those that have nothing.  Lord knows I needed this story to transform me.  Pray.  Give.  Love.  <3 div="">

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THIS BROKEN BEAUTY.

When these women have sat in the passenger seat of our car,

When they've been to our house and held Trey,

When they've cried and laughed with my mom,

When I can hear the murmur of the voices through the conference call my mom is having with her and her chosen adoptive family,

When I photograph the moments of two families coming together, forever,

When I hold their babies for 24 hours and love them before they go home forever, and I point out their similarities and how their noses are the same,

When I hear the news that she signed her rights away and prepare this sweet new babe for his new forever life,

When I kiss their baby's forehead for the last time,

When I get to sit at the same table as these women and their chosen adoptive parents,

And laugh,

And cry,

And watch them say goodbye (the dreadful, dreadful goodbye),

I realize,

I am living a life where I touch Jesus' love tangibly.

I am living a life where I can laugh and look into the eyes of both of the women who love the same baby, just a different way.

It gives me shivers.  It puts butterflies in my stomach.

We are so very very very loved by Jesus Christ.  When we make the worst possible choices and drive our lives in the worst direction.  There are second chances.  He always, always, always makes the broken road into the beautiful one.  That is one of the most confident thoughts in my mind about our Lord.

I am so extraordinarily blessed that He would choose for me to see this broken beauty unfold before my eyes, day after day after day.

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I WANT TO LOVE LIKE THAT

Growing up in a Christian home has always left me hanging on for that "transformation" you feel like you don't get.

I'm not sure what I mean here exactly, but it's those moments where you feel like if you had to tell your testimony to someone it wouldn't sound all that meaningful or life-changing.

When I was 6, I "prayed the prayer" on my living room floor with my mom and brother.  It wasn't what I sort of wish it was.  There were no tears, no strong convictions, I was just ready.  I had gone to church since I was 2 weeks old, spent years singing Jesus Loves Me in Sunday school, and I always knew that I was a "Christian."

But when you hit your teens you start to feel as if it wasn't real.  Not that you've been brainwashed, but that in your heart you haven't fully accepted what it means to be a true follower of Jesus Christ.

It seems as if when people come to Christ later on in life, they have these life-changing and convicting testimonies that make you cry.  They are hit hard with what Jesus did for them and what they've done to not deserve what they get.  And when you grow up your entire life being a Christian, it's hard to make the transition to following Jesus.

It was the Summer of 2009 in Africa when that seed was planted.  When my idea of a "Christian" was changed.  And then it began to grow a bit a year later when our family did foster care.  And, the moment the seed blossomed into one of the most beautiful things, adoption hit me straight in the face.

I couldn't escape it.

Never in my life had I been presented to the fact that I had been adopted.  I'm sure I heard about it, but it never hit me so hard in my life.

People say all the time that things change your life.  But no, this altered the way that I live.  I will never again think of being a Christian or following Jesus or loving like Jesus ever again.

And tonight, I felt it again.

Watching a birthmother hold her baby for the very last time with the woman she chose to be the momma to her baby standing over her as she cried.

It's a vision I will never forget.

And then all at once she has to go, and she hands her baby to her new momma and she says through tears "I'm so excited for you."  And you think of the baby, the precious child that she carried for 280 days, and the way her life is being altered.  And her new brothers and her new sisters waiting at home for their new baby sibling.  And it's all overwhelming Jesus love that you just can't get over it.

When you hit your teens being a Christian your whole life, you search for the tangibile parts of Jesus' love.  You'll either drop your faith or something substantial will go on in your heart and you'll never doubt His love again.

For me, it is this vision.

The picture of a woman holding her baby for the very last time.  The picture of the baby's new mother with her arm around her.  It's the words "I don't want to but I choose it anyways."  And it's the thought of a man nailed to a cross bearing my sins sealing my adoption for ever and ever amen.

I just can't get over that picture.  I lived fifteen years before I felt this love so tangibly.  I grew up singing about it and I knew I was supposed to believe it.  But when you hit the age where you choose for yourself, you see Love differently.

I am transformed.

I am chosen.

I am adopted.

& someone chose the hard thing for me when I didn't deserve it.

& I live today because of the sacrifice made for me so long ago.

I want to love like that.  I want to abandon my desires and love with surrender.

Lord, teach me to love like a birthmother.

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FINDING MY HERO

For a long time, I really wanted a hero.

Not like, the hero that saves you from your house in flames.  But the hero that makes your heart wrench, all the while loving hard all the time.

I always said "Jesus" when people asked.  And that's so true for me and always will be.  But a few years ago, for some strange reason, I was really infatuated with the whole hero thing.  I wanted one.  Not to put on a pedestal in my life, that's Jesus, but to honor and respect fully.

It's been a journey for me.  Not just in finding a hero.  That was just a phase I went through.  It's not really about that.  For me, it was about finding out how to get closer to God.  The desire just came in a form of a hero in my mind.

& for me, that's a birthmother.

These women do Jesus stuff everyday.  They put their life on the line for the sake of someone else, all the while loving them wholeheartedly.

This week, all of that became so much more real for me.

Trey's birthmom flew in for his first birthday.  It's been such a wonderful week.  Really great memories.  We've took pictures, loved hard and I'm just so happy about the gift this is to her and will be one day to him.  But this week, a raw emotion came to me again.  One I haven't felt since exactly one year ago today.

& that is the feeling of gratitude coming to life for me.  It just exploded in front of my eyes, in my heart.  I'm with this woman, the mother, the flesh and blood of the baby I have loved so hard for the past year?  & she chose this for him?  She chose to be away from him everyday?  God loves me this much?  God gave me a piece of literal joy to hold for one year, and the woman God used to give this joy to us is right in front of me?  What?

This is all I know to be true...

Exactly one year ago tonight, one woman took a pen and signed on the dotted line.

But this was not just a signature, this was something more.

Something only she could give, a gift only God could create.

This was the relinquishment of her rights.

One year ago, tonight, a woman signed her rights away.  She took a pen, she signed her name, and she made a lifelong choice.  This was not just a signature.  This was a declaration of love.  Jesus-stuff love.

This woman is my brother's birthmother.

This "hero" - the desire of my heart so long ago?  I've found her.  Her, along with every other woman who made the hard choice when she didn't want to.  Chose the hard road when the easier one was readily available, if not easier.  All I know is, this fickle desire of my heart long ago for something I wasn't even ready to process is now here, in the form of a birthmother.

& it's the most precious hero I could ever find.

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GOD IS IN CONTROL

As we continue to get closer to Trey's first birthday, a lot has been on my mind.  Little things... just going back to my thought process from just one year ago.

One thing, though... it's been really lurking in my mind.  Really processing it.

One of the the things I've heard when people realize we have an open adoption with T's birthmother is the question of whether or not that's healthy for Trey.  If knowing his biological mother in such a close way is going to affect him later in life.  "Isn't that more painful for him to see the woman who gave him up all the time?"

My answer?

Not at all.  In fact... the complete opposite.

There is an interesting story going around lately.  A birthmother w/ a painful past wishes not to have contact/a relationship with her birth daughter... solely b/c she does not want her painful experiences brought up front in her face once again.  Now she is fighting to have the right for birthmothers to remain anonymous to their birth children... to "protect" other bmoms from having to come face to face with their past once more via contact w/ their birth children.  And I get that.

But.... I have an issue with it.

We have a superclosetightknitlikefamily relationship with Trey's birthmom.  She loves her son, she loves the family she placed her son in, she thinks of us as family.  I hear "I love you"s at the end of voicemails.  She calls once a week.  She sees pictures on Facebook.  She's flying in for his first birthday.  She desperately loves her son and wants him to know that.

There very well may be a day when... lo and behold... she moves on with her life.  Gets married... moves on... lets go of a little bit of contact... we trust God with that.  But the months of spending time with her... the hours of phone calls... the experience... the information... we know about her and her story... those will be such precious gifts to Trey one day.  Even if she herself leaves the picture... he can hold onto those photos and that information... ponder it, process it, accept it.

So the issue I have with remaining anonymous as a birthmother.... what about the child?

And the issue I have with the question "Isn't that going to be more painful for him?"... what about the child?

I think every person... usually around their teenage years... goes through some sort of something where your mind is transforming.  You are figuring out what you are made to do... who you are made to be for God... your DNA... where you come from... it all goes into your thought process.  For me, maybe it's much easier because I know who my family is.  I know my story and I know where I come from.  But to go through that without knowing exactly where you come from... your story... knowing you are different/adopted... but wondering who your parents are?  It's got to affect you.  We need to keep in mind the adoptees' hearts.  And when we ask that question, when we wish to remain anonymous... we forget about the adoptee's heart in all of this.

And I'm not saying everyone going through domestic adoption needs to have an open adoption.  Definitely not.  Every situation is completely different.  That's the beauty in adoption.  Every story is going to turn out different.  There has to be discretion and discernment and we have to really think about it.  It's definitely only for certain situations.  But... I want more people to know that the information we know about the woman who gave life to Trey is precious to us, and, one day when he can understand it, it will be a precious gift to him, too.

On the other side of things, Trey's birthfather... chose not to have a relationship with him.  He had the choice.  In the past I've thought about it this way... He didn't just not show up in his life.  He made a choice.  Things have gone on.  We know some of his story.  But in the end... what a painful thing for my brother to have to process one day.  It's sad... so sad.


And when we think about other situations..... International adoption where files are missing... even domestic adoptions where there is abuse.  Some things need to be protected... some things God may even hide from us.  At the end of the day though?  Trust.  in the Lord.  And good old discernment.  Adoption is never perfect.  But I'm thankful everyday for the relationship God gave us with T's momma.  Such a beautiful thing.


That's the kind of stuff that people don't always see in adoption when they're not right in front of it.  The pain and the hurt of losing parents.  There's grief in that... there's grief on both sides of things.. for the birth mother and the birth child.  And all of us need to educate ourselves on that.

In all situations... international adoption where the adoptee has no idea of their birth parents... domestic adoption where birth parents choose not to have contact... foster care ---> adoption where the birth parents are not safe... domestic adoption w/ a good relationship with the birth parents... we have to trust the Lord with that.  We have to know that we have a God who chose each child in each family... who chose each situation.  Special.  For each circumstance.  Isn't that fabulous?  So in whatever situation adoptees have with their birth parents... God is in control.  <3 emma="" p="">

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ROUGHLY ONE YEAR AGO

Today (roughly) marks the day that our beautiful, precious birth mother chose us to be her son's family.  And you know, I can't honestly know how she did it.

I know people say that every day.  And I know it's not technically "appropriate".  But I mean it.  What a beautiful thing she did.

No one can ever prepare you for the feelings in adoption.  Countless.  Too many to even list here.  But there is nothing, absolutely nothing in this world, that feels the same as realizing that someone just gave their whole lives for you.

I'm not sure how someone could think of their precious baby growing inside of them and to make the decision to give them a better life.  I'm not sure how someone could carry a child for 9 months that they are going to give to another mother.  I'm not sure how someone can choose a family to raise their child by looking at pictures.  I'm not sure.  I really have no idea.  And it overwhelms me every day of my life.

But she did!  She did it.  She looked upon this sweet baby boy in her womb... whom she had not met yet... and knew she was going to choose life.  She looked upon this sweet baby boy the moment he was born and knew what she needed to do.  And she did it.

And she did it.

There's a part in the adoption papers we have that says something along the lines of, "the birthmother relinquished her rights".  And it always seems to put shivers through my spine.

What a great God we have.  What a beautiful, fantastic and precious thing adoption is.  Adoption is the feeling of shivers down your spine.  & if you allow it to change you, it will.

I am moved by what she did.  I am blessed beyond belief for the rest of my life.  There are far too many emotions, too many things... countless... I'm too overwhelmed to make sense right here.

But here's what I do know.

I don't know how she did it.  And for the rest of my life,
I will look upon her,
as the woman who gave my brother life,
who sacrificed hers for his,
who broke her heart for his sake,
who went through pain and suffering and heartbreak,
who carried and gave birth to him after 9 months,
who loved her son so much,
that she decided one day
that she was going to give him a different life.

I don't know about you, but that right there......

that overwhelms me.  Beyond belief.

There are things my parents will have to tell him that make me grieve even now.  Things that are hard to process.  But there are also things that my parents will have to tell him that bring me so much joy.  Like telling him one day that his mother had the power to dismember him, but instead, she chose life.  What a courageous thing.  Or the fact that his extended birth family loves him so much too, and sees pictures on Facebook and is planning on meeting him someday.  People tell you beforehand that God will walk you through every little thing.  And He did.  Someone said recently that his personality is so laid back and happy - just like my family, and how God totally had a plan in giving him to us.  Just another person reaffirming that God was part of every single step.  There is no denying it.

K, There are not enough words in the dictionary to express how much thankfulness we feel in our hearts.  But what you did will never ever be forgotten.  And one day, when Trey is old enough, he will learn what you went through for him.  I pray that you stay in our lives forever and that Trey will learn to appreciate you just as much as we appreciate you.  We see you in him all the time, and the only reason it is such a beautiful thing to us is because we love you.  So much.  Thank you for the decision you made one year ago.

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MY HERO

Every month I post pictures of his face on that Facebook page.

For her and her family.

Every month I take photos and edit them and choose the best ones - the ones that show he is growing and learning and being loved - and I go to Facebook and upload them.

Nine months of photo albums, nine months of memories, nine months of love.

Every month I log onto that Facebook page and catch up on her and her family's Facebook updates.

Every month I am reminded of one more month that she lives with the reality of the fact that her son is not in her care.

Every month.

Wowowowowowowowowowowowow.

She's my hero.

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FOR YOUR SAKE

he was put into my family with no say in the matter. 

he was to conform to my family because that would be all he knew. 

he is to grow and learn and live in my family despite his thought on the matter. 

and he sits on my lap and plays with his remote that sings and looks up at me when the music starts with that big huge smile of his where he squints his eyes and you can see his two tiny teeth and I am reminded 

once again

of how blessed I am that God chose him

for me. 

i sometimes forget the two sacrifices that took place for me to be here, with him.  the first was God's when He first adopted us selflessly into His family.  the second was when that story shone down on a woman who said i choose to break my heart for your sake.  i choose to hurt for your sake.  i choose to let go of a piece of my heart, i choose to not have my name on your birth certificate, i choose to choose another mother for you.  all because i love you that much.

i am so blessed that she chose to love him enough that she would give me the chance of loving him too.

oh, what an overwhelming feeling.  

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I CHOOSE YOU

(because i hate to schedule posts, especially heartfelt ones.  i shall again interrupt my break and bring this piece of work to you. xo)

He grew in her, for nine entire months.  He lived and moved and breathed in her, for nine months.  He was created in her.  God literally moved mountains to create him in her.  And he looked upon her, even before he moved those mountains, and said, I choose you.

He was present, fully and 100% present, for those entire nine months.  Even when no one else was, He was present.  He was there, creating and knitting together this little being we call Trey Malachi today.  He was there when she chose us.  Oh, was He present when she chose us.  He was present during that phone call.  He was present in the heartache and in the rejoicing.  He was there.  All because when she was born He looked upon her and said, I choose you.

We'd been waiting.  We'd been waiting because we knew what God had told us to do.  We knew what we were commanded to do.  We knew that we were supposed to welcome a son, a fifth child, into our family.  We knew this, we believed it, we did this.  Why?  Because God once looked upon every one of us and said, I choose you.

We waited more, on that Tuesday after he was born.  We prayed, had knots in our stomachs.  We ached, we hoped, we rejoiced.  But then there was a text message, two phone calls, tears, joy.  It didn't matter how it happened, it was just that in that moment the only thing I felt God was saying was, I choose you.

And when God said those three words, so did she.  She said I choose you to raise my son.  I choose you to share a last name with him.  I choose you to be the parents, the siblings, of my son, who grew and was created in me.  I choose you to adopt my son, to raise him as yours, to be his family.  She said I choose you because when I did, God already had.

It isn't about how it happened or why it happened.  It isn't about details or little things.  It is just because God looked upon us and said

I

choose

you.

It's crazy how those three words can change a person's life in an instance.

All I know is...

I'm so grateful they changed mine.  In many, many ways, they've changed mine.

Hallelujah, our God is good.

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GOD GAVE US FOREVER

Today, we received Trey's birth certificate in the mail.  It has never in all my life made me quite as overjoyed as it did to hold that piece of paper in my hands, to see my last name on it, to know it means forever.  To know it means he will never leave my family.  I could talk and talk and talk for days about what adoption means to me, but things like these.... this is why I love it so.  Forever has never felt as beautiful in my heart as it does tonight.  It's been a long seven months.  More things have happened in the past seven months than I know was possible to happen in such a short time period.  But every day that I wake up and see his face, I am reminded of the perfect story God made for Trey.  Even if it was official on September 6th, it has never felt better to hold a piece of paper in my hands and say forever.

If you've prayed for Trey or my family during some of those moments when I didn't know if I would ever hold this piece of paper in my hands, I want to thank you.  You are a part of his story.  And there is nothing truer in my mind tonight than the fact that my God is greater.

We are overjoyed that God gave us forever with Trey.

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