be lovely

nerd word.

get yo nerd on.

notice.... the giant paper clip. the pens. the chemistry book.

and.... safety goggles. duh.

family.

yesterday, we picked pumpkins, and later, we carved them.

oh and... we celebrated logan's birthday on saturday. happy birthday to one of the weirdest, coolest brothers ever! BIG 13!!!!!!!!

m e a n d l i a m

eli was so proud of his little pumpkin. and i am so proud of the photos i got b/c of my amazing flash!

and... because we are a big football family... GO BLUE.

Also... just to prove that I am not depressed or a sad person.

i am so happy to have the family i do have. i think i've cared too much about the family we will have, and not the one i do have.

and... thank you, everyone, for praying for us. today is monday, and i am so glad to put last week behind me.

xoxo

Today seems surreal. I woke up this morning feeling weird. It wasn't the same. Although it's just a thought, it just wasn't the same. Usually, I wake up excited. A new day, which means its so much closer than it was yesterday. But today, it was almost like no hope. I know, I know. There is tons and tons of hope for the next few months. But I didn't wake up this morning feeling "safe". I guess that's all I ever thought about. Once we were matched, it was like a safety thing. Good, now we're matched, and nothing can stop that. But, it did. And, as you learned yesterday, it wasn't the easiest thing ever.

I really love the lyrics in Praise You in the Storm by Casting Crowns. Like I said yesterday, every word is what I was thinking, and needed to hear. So yesterday, I made this, to encourage others as it encouraged me.

and then... after yesterday's post.... this.

LIFE.

So after this craziness today, i've learned a lot in the past 10 hours. i've put all my time and energy into that date. every time i was completely overwhelmed, all i thought about was how once i finished it, the baby would be so super close. and then everything would be okay. And then, today happened. And it all just sort of fell into a big huge mess..... that was gone. And so I thought about how I can't live like that. Always getting through one thing just to get to the next. I haven't taken pictures more than once or twice a week. And it's all because the baby has been the only thing on my mind, and it shouldn't have been.

I felt so attached to this, that when it fell apart, I fell apart with it. Cuz all I thought about was this baby and November 11 and when it came crashing down today, I felt a huge hole.

And I forget that everyday means a lot. Today is a blessing. Not the due date. Not tomorrow. Right now.

And... yesterday (before all of this craziness), a rainbow. I saw this rainbow while we were still matched... but I had this feeling when I saw it. And now I know why.

God's promise. To me.

xoxo.

p.s. listening to +++++++++

November 11.

November 11. It's the day I've waited for for two months. And today, it's all over.

I don't know if you remember this post. But that post was the first time I told everyone that we were matched. With a birthmom. With a baby. But today, that's not the case.

That baby is not our baby. That baby will not be joining our family in 22 days. And that is okay. The Lord has other plans.

This song is saying everything I want to say.

My family would be oh so grateful for your prayers. Today is pretty hard, but we're trusting in the fact that God has another baby for us, a better plan.
xoxo.